So I moved to this fucking ghetto. Saw someone get shot 2 weeks after moving here. Got preg within a year at 14yrs old. Not to mention, the man was a distant relative we were living with until we got our own place. He was twice my age, and now I had turned to drugs because of his influence. With him I started smoking marijuana which I still do to this day, atleast a blunt a day. I started snorting coke, tried acid, and crank, and prob a few other things too. So I realized, I was so not ready for a baby. I told my mom and she scheduled me for an abortion.
So this two year relationship with him taught me so much. Like how sick men can be, fucking a girl half their age. So it shortly ended after that. After I met the man who took me away from that shit. We will call him John(not his real name) because I will be mentioning him frequently. After 4 months. I was pregnant with his child. I had my first little girl at 16.
So we were some freaky ass teenagers. Skipping school everyday to go and fuck somewhere. Any where from the park to my mothers bed, it was bigger and more comfy then mine. I had two best friends since moving up here. We will call them Mona and Alice. Mona was a crazy girl, outta hand, had an abusive mother, who did lots of drugs, and still does. Alice was a little crazy too, she was one of those goth chics. The kind all they guys wondered about. I bet she sucks dick.......etc.
So when my daughter was about one and Alice had a girl her age too now. but she was a year younger than me so she had her kid at 15. We were best friends, still are. but something major happend between us all. She told me how much she wanted to kiss someone with a tongue ring. And John was the only one she knew with one. And I saw him eyeballing her too. Of coarse I had already messed around with her before John and I got together. So I thought there would be no harm in experimenting with a 3some. And well I freaked out, not to mention we were all doing ICE(meth), I realized that I loved him. As soon as he got inside of her, I couldn't take it anymore. It was like I was no longer there.
So everything stopped or atleast I thought it did. A few weeks later, they slept together behind my back. Well from that point on, I wasn't sure if he was the one. I didn't know if I could ever get over it. I turned around and slept with his best friend who we can call Adam mostly for revenge. Since then things never really felt the same.
John loves porn, and I am some how sexually disfunctional in the mental sense. I feel like he is cheating when he looks at porn. So I would get upset and keep tabs on our mags. And then things got ugly, I found pictures of two girls we knew, in the bathroom, one was Jasons ex who John almost had a 3 some with when we first got together, and the other was his 12 yr old half niece, who had boobs of a fucking 20 yr old. Ne How things were not going well.
Right after our second child, I befriended his best friends girl. We will call her Sarah and him Jason. Becuase I know they will be mentioned plenty. I was back to stripping cause money was tight, even though it killed John and now I was hooked on meth. Well she convinced me that John was an ass. Because she knew something that I didn't. that he had cheated on me again. So she let me know that her and Jason would love to sleep with me. And well on one drunken night open with opportunity, I did. I thought my secrets would never come out. Until that bitch tried to ruin my life.
I didn't want to leave him, I felt already that I had messed up. A little argument between Sarah and I and she was threating me to tell him. So I said fuck it and told him my self. That wasn't enough though, the bitch dosen't like Adam and felt it was necessary that I told John about him too. So I did, and well this is where my life stands.
Together for 8 yrs,2 beautiful girls ages 7 and 2 and now he is not sure if he wants to be with me, even though he did almost the same to me. Lifes are hanging in the balance. Everything we are, have and have done has all been together. It would be so hard if he leaves me. So now I am just trying to be a good wife, take care of the kids and house, suck his dick whenever he asks, and anything his wishes. So I need somewhere to get these feelings out. i still feel horny for others, I still want the attention, that he isn't giving me.
Becuase of what he is going through, my fantasies need to stay hidden. So that is why I plan to journal them here. My only way of getting them out, along with painful thoughts, and everyday life, and my perspectives on life. So this is just the beginning. I soon plan to go way more in depth on some things. Anything you want to know more about, just ask.
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I'm sorry for you and the pain you and your girls have been going through. If he's the one, hopefully he'll see it before it's too late. I hope the best for you. I will keep in touch with you.
Annie
"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp."
-Joan Rivers