Everything was going so perfectly, i just got me a new car, i was about to find a pt job. Our bills were caught up, we weren't really arguing, our lives were decent. Then one little fight made pure chaos. He lost his job, well he quit, because he was tired of dissapointing his boss. I dunno it's just not fair. Now we are broke, jobless and stressed, so of coarse we are fighting more.
I just don't know what to do?? Aside from this, issues with life and friends are just horrible on my nerves. it just never ends. I have been thinking about the most controversial subjects of our time on a constant basis. like God and the rapture and the bible, stuff I never cared to learn about until now. And now that I am it is just crazy. Scary Crazy.
I have been trying to find time again for my genealogy, but really I just want to write. I just want to create. Do something intersting. something I can look back on and appreciate.
I want to ramble, I want to be social, yet I somehow want to be alone. I just don't know I have all of these thoughts. Just trying to sort them out I guess.
I just really feel like an outsider and I want to make new friends. I want people to talk to, about the little things. Some opened friends who aren't gonna judge me. Why is that so hard to find?
I have so much time on my hands now that I am not babysitting. But I have no motivation anymore really. My girls just had their birthday party. It went great!! I can't believe they are 3 and 8 years old. I feel so old yet I am only 25. Where has the time gone? I need some new things in my life. Something to keep me busy and content. I don't know what, anyone got any ideas let me know.
I lost my love for genealogy, it is to cold to do anything outdoors, winter can be sooooo depressing. I am having one of those days I guess.
I am gonna forget all the things that are not important. My family and true friends they are all that matters. I am done playing games. I will be keeping on my friends kinda on the side lines, not being real personal. don't need to. Just gonna keep my distance except for to my family. I will keep them all real close.
I am gonna go and try to get a job, get away for a while. I put my daughter back in public school because things just got to be way to much, and quit babysitting, but staying home all day and just cleaning is making me crazy. I gotta get out and do something even part time away from home 4 or 5 hours a day would be great.
Not to mention we sooooo need the extra income.
I had a great halloween. We were all vampires except my little one she was a kitty cat. I have no reason to let anyone hold me down, make me cry, tell me how I should be, tell me how to live my life. I am my own person. And from now on it is gonna be a new me. Fuck everyone who thinks I shouldn't be me.
Things have been ok in the love life. We are great. He is getting over me cheating. He knows I love him with everything in me now. I want to marry him and all. No one else even sparks my interest anymore.
But as far as my friend world. I almost feel done with it. Done with friends? Ya that would be a crazy thing since I thrive on socializing. But people just seem so selfish, or maybe I am selfish, I don't even know what the problem is.
I am just not getting along with people lately. Just feel like people are fucked up sometimes. Me and my friends that I was so close to, I just feel like they don't get me anymore.
I am so glad to be less stressed. My kid is in school, I quit babysitting tons of kids, and my house is almost spotless. I should be soooooo happy. But I am just not. I started smoking weed again. And the lack there of, and not being able to find it is stressful and annoying. So I am thinking of quiting again. It calms me and makes me so much happier though. And it also seems to keep me closer to my friends. I just don't know what to do with my life.
I felt fullfilled when I was doing my genealogy. Felt like I was finding out who I am by finding out where I came from. Then after all that work. almost 2 years of work. I find out my mom might of been adopted. So I was pissed, shocked, sad, and I haven't enjoyed my roots for a while. The whole point was to find out where my genes came from my blood line. My mom is like well they are still your grandparents, and I am like ya not really. I love them, they took great care of my mom, but they aren't my blood. They can't tell me who I might become one day.
I don't know I guess life sucks for me right now. I need to be happy with what I got, appreciate the little things and all that advice we give people who seem like they should be happy but just are not. Ya but it aint working for me. Why should I be happy with as shitty as the world is becoming. Why should I be happy with all the greedy people, and what my kids are growing up in. Why should I?
I haven't journaled much because things have been going so well. I am addicted to myspace anymore with their games on there. If I am not homeschooling, or playing with the kids, or doing that, I am doing my genealogy research. I can't get enough of it. I hated history in school but I love it now. Now that I realize how it connects to me. How it makes us who we are.
I had such a horrible hang over all day, I slept until 3. He let me and he took care of the kids. I still feel like crap. But happy crap. My mind is moving a million miles a minute. Yeah for me.
I just hope things stay going well. I have my priorities in line and ready to go.
Oh and I have made some major break throughs on my genealogy research. I am so happy.
- Mood:
happy
- Mood:
blah
- Mood:
worried
The Catapiller my daughter kept
Soooo Pretty. I thought it might of been another moth, I was wrong. 
That smile could heal any pain.
A much happier time!!!- Mood:
anxious
Well let me see here, things have really fucking sucked lately. I thought I could be friends with my ex bff again well that so didn't work out, he flipped, which I put myself in his shoes, and I understand. I wish I didn't fuck it up for us. We really did have a lot in common, and I do still miss her. But I mean I slept with her and her man, his best friend, why only God knows, maybe not even him. At the time I guess I didn't see myself staying in this relationship because of how he was treating me at the time.
Well things seem to be getting worse. We are fighting a lot more often. We are almost out of food and a little more than 10$ to our name, yippy my kids are gonna starve. Sorry complete sarcasm there, I am fucking trippin. Thinking about going back to strippin. But I love him and I don't want to mess his heart up anymore than I already have. He has to go to the labor ready tomorrow. We have to do something.
We fought so bad yesterday about me being friends with her, he said he was leaving me and for some reason I just couldn't take loosing him at that moment. I erased her off my friends list but that wasn't enough he was mad that I was even thinking about her, but our kids were friends too. Our 7 yrs old and our 2 yr olds, both girls, both the same age. they are old enough to miss people ya know. I feel so bad for what I did for so many different reasons. Why doesn' t life have a backspace or esc button?
- Mood: anxious
Well speaking of friends. After everything she did to me, I am deciding to let her back in my life. Yes the girl who made me tell my man and all that. I am the type of person who tries to see the bad and good in people. I try to understand why they do the things they do to make them more acceptable. I guess I hurt her in some ways too. Nehow we have been talking all day on myspace. I finally added her as friend. My man has been reading the emails too. A few days ago when she friend requested me he said hell no it is her or me, and I said no problem, I of coarse pick you. But today things were a little different. He understands that I was good friends with her and I do miss her and stuff. But he did say things aren't just gonna go back to how they were before and that he doesn't forgive them yet. Which I respect that. I am just happy he is letting me make my own decision now on talking to her.
Another issue in my life I have been wanting to discuss is my brother in law. His ex, babies mama is one of my friends. Well she wasn't really at first but she is now. Because even though I called her lazy before, I still found good things in her too. Anyhow, they have been broke up for almost a year, but up until just the other night they were still sleeping together. They had an agreement to be honest with each other about sleeping with other people. Well he left her, so she still wanted to be with him, so she was taking all that she could get, the little bit of affection and piece of ass. But for the last year, he has had complete control over her. He could talk to other girls, but got mad when she even mentioned another guy. He even went to another girls house a few nights, but they supposivley didn't do anything. Point being he has fucked with her mind and emotions for a while now. Well I watched their kid while they went out the other night, and she is a light weight by the way. She ended up getting drunk and dancing on another guy and now he flipped out almost left her there at the club, and is calling her a slut over and over and all this crap. I have been his sister in law for almost 9 years now. But he is being really immature. He is mad because I am supposivley taking her side. I just don't know what to do. i don't want him to be mad at me but he is in the wrong. She might of been in the wrong that one night, because he took her out and he refused some other girl that night before she danced with this other guy, but he has been in the wrong for almost a year. What the hell do I do? I am kinda in the middle of this whole thing. I have offered to exchange their kid and child support so that they don't have to see each other and have all the pain. but they won't quit calling each other and trying to hurt each other and get each other back. He pawned her ring even and called to tell her about it. I told them I wouldn't do the favor anymore if they won't leave each other alone. I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not. I really think it is time they take things to court because I have enough dealing with my own crazy life.
- Mood:
contemplative
Well he is still out of work. He didn't look all week, but he has been helping me around the house a lot. We both are quitting smoking weed. We smoked a joint on the canoe yesterday and that is supposed to be our last time.
I am starting to feel really good about myself. Our situation is bad for the moment, it will be tough, but I see it getting better. We both have talked about getting our GEDs asap. He is trying to quit smoking, so he can get a good job with benefits and all that. Because all the good jobs drug test. I don't have any kids to babysit anymore so I might try to get a pt job.
That bitch kept friend requesting me and finally realized that I was denying it and wrote me. She said are you denying me or am I not doing it right or something. I told her I didn't think we should be friends after what she did to me. She thought because I was civil to her at the concert that we could be friends again I guess. That it would all be ok. She said she isn't doing well mentally right now. But she put me in mental agony just a few months ago. Said I am not there for her again, but she wasn't only not there for me through my pain but caused most of it.
Well aside from the bullshit we had a great weekend. We spent close to our last few dollars to get his moms canoe legal for the lake. So we went out on it Friday and Sunday. It is better paying 25$ for that and a little gas to get to the lake, then buying weed, or movies, or things like that.
The kids loved swimming off the canoe it was a lot of fun. Even though financially things seem to be looking down, everything else is looking up. Isn't it funny the way that the world works.
- Mood: cheerful
Friday night before I knew we no longer had an income. We went out. We went to the bar. And ended up seeing, my ex best friends cousin and had to listen to her talk about her all night. And now that bitch is friend requesting me on myspace, like everything is ok now. It has blown over, we can be friends. I don't think so bitch. You tried to take my whole family from me and almost succeded. So friendship between us aint happening. On myspace or anywhere else.
This weekend was kinda boring. Went to my best friends kids bday all day on Sunday. It was fun.
I so wish we had something to fall back on. I wish I had an education, or someone to help support our kids while we got one. Life isn't easy when you have a kid at 16, don't let anyone fool you.
But I have a good feeling today that things are gonna get better, even if they may get worse first.
- Mood:determined
Any how my point. I checked today and she wrote a blog yesterday. Simply put I miss the people but not the drama what do i do? She misses me. Not that we could or ever will be friends again, because she tried to ruin my life. But it feels good to be missed. Especially from someone who you thought hated you for no reason at all. Someone who you thought liked you enough to bring you into their bedroom. I guess I do miss her still a little, I just don't understand.
I woke up feeling great today. Almost like I was high. Kinda crazy. I hope to get a lot done today. I also started a blog/website type of thing yesterday if anyone wants to check it out.
Twiddleyourthumbsnolonger.blogspot.com
Well to anyone who actually does read this, which why would you it's pretty boring. Have a great day.
- Mood: ecstatic
I was so busy with all the drama and crap in my life, that I lost track of the road I once was on. The plans I had, the dreams and goals. It all kinda faded a little, but it seems to be slowly coming back.
I am not sure if this whole babysitting deal is really gonna work out. My friends man just quit his job. So I won't have them for a while, my main source of income. I need to know if he is gonna just stay home or be looking for a job, so I know what to do. I so wish there was a legit online business that was way cheap to start cause that is what I need. Gas is to expensive to be trying to get a ride, or driving to far, and I don't know about the buses around here. Not to mention, my mom, my babysitter would prob have to take a bus here too, lol, just to watch my kids. So it is just not working out.
One of the main things on my list of priorities is to see a dentist. My teeth are so bad, they have been hurting everyday. I read about dental infections and what not and they can kill you, yeah kill you! They can lead to heart failure, because the infection gets into your blood. Scary with a capital SSSSSSSS!
So my man is starting to hate his job again. We both so need an education, that is just another thing on the long list. Right now main thing, he has court in a month, he is gonna owe A LOT. We gotta save these next 4 weeks to keep him out of jail. He got a DUI, like 3 or 4 yrs ago, which we paid atleast 2,000 for, but got a suspended license to, and got pulled over like a million times without a license since then. This court is for, littering a cigg butt and speeding, without a license or insurance, not to mention he should of had two other bench warrants from the other two times he got pulled over, with susp lic and no ins. So WTF are we gonna do. I have no clue. He prob will serve some time.
In all the ways I don't want to go back to stripping. Sometimes it seems that is the only thing that will help. But I can't do that to our relationship when it is going that well. If I ever did invest in a business, it would have to come with a promise to make money. Any how enough boring stuff.
- Mood: anxious
Any how after all that, I had to go grochery shopping. But when I got back all I wanted to do was love on my babies. And when I got home my oldest one was gone to her aunts to swim and spend the night with her 3 cousins. Not that I was trying to be selfish but I miss my kid, not to mention, she can swim now without help and I still haven't got to see it. Half of last summer she could swim and I could never go for one reason or another. I was so upset I didn't get to go, and the one thing I hate the most about her going over there is his sister never answers her phone. I tried to call I don't know how many times, just to hear my babies voice, tell her I love her and ask if she is having fun. And I can't even talk to her. UUHH. I am mad.
but i got to go, kids are here now yeah.
I hate doing dishes and laundry most of all and they are the things I always have the most of. I need a dishwasher and a clothes folder automatic putawayer too. Does anyone know where to get one of those at real cheap, like free cause I am broke.......................Just kidding. But Dam I feel like shit. I hope the day gets better. I have no energy pills, no blunts, but I got some Drpepper, thank goodness. If I have all three usually I can come outta any shitty day but............I don't, and no car, and blah blah blah. I am complaining a lot today. But that is what this journal is for right. Right. I wasn't asking I was telling my self because it is my journal. lol. I made myself laugh see the day is already looking up right. I got 5 kids to clean around today, a 1 yr old 2 yr old 3 yr old and two 7 yr olds. Sometimes the older ones are the worse. They know what the can try and get away with, but the little ones get into everything. And why do kids gotta be so damn hungry all the time???????
If I ever got a whole day just to worry about my self I don't know what I would do. I just had to corner the three year old for lying. Only three, even at two the already try to lie. Is that a human instinct? Lie when you think you are gonna get in trouble or get someone you love in trouble, or hurt or be hurt or there are so many different reasons for people to lie. Did I miss any? But anyhow, kids think we adults are stupid, don't realize we have been there once. We were kids too, well most of us. Well I am gonna deal with some crap, try to get some cleaning done and most likely end up journaling more than once today, or sitting my ass in front of this computer in some sort of way.
- Mood: crappy
At the beginning of the days I thought the whole day was gonna be hell. My man didn't even want to get out of bed. We found out we were going somewhere else besides just to his dads. With people I really don't care a whole lot for. And a house I have never been to before. Then when I picked up my mom with him and all planned on all of us going shopping, he saw that his dad and brother were at the bar. He seriously wanted to stop right there and let him self out at the bar. I looked at him like ya right. We got in a huge fight in the Walmart parking lot. And well he ended up walking half way to the bar and had his brother pick him up.
I was sooooo fucking pissed. I mean it was 4th of july dammit. On the way back from walmart i stopped in the bar real quick, they thought I was gonna kill him, with the look i had when I walked in. But instead I told him that I was going to the grochery store, going home to get my id and dropping the kids and my mom back off at the house, and YOU BETTER HAVE A FUCKING DRINK WAITING FOR ME WHEN I GET BACK. And he did. I had about 3 with him and his dad at the bar and I felt better. Than we went home, ate, did some fireworks with my mom. Took her home and went to where we had planned. Everything fell into place. It wasn't all that bad, I actually had a lot of fun.
Snakes in the tree.................................was interesting.
Smoke bombsAnyhow, I care most about my kids of course. A simple questions deserves a simple answer.
- Mood: calm
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